i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
