wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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