Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
