the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
