How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
