the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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