The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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