hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
