I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
