Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Drunk is not a location!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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