I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
