My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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