Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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