guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I understand Curling. That high.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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