porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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