I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
