ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
