If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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