I wish you could order shots online.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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