I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
