Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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