I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
