I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my vag is so smooth its legendary
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize