i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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