Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
