I just pynch a tree in the face
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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