just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
