I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
