If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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