i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize