When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
