I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
