I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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