im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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