fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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