filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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