Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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