I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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