i think my mom watched the whole time
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
