Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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