The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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