I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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