New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
