i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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