the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize