no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
