Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
