I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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