i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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