Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
