After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
