stop calling my apartment porn island.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So vagazzling was a success
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
