If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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