Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
