Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
