Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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