someone owes me an orgasm
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
