Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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