Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
