I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
