Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
