lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize