We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
