I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Operation Purity has been aborted
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
